O.J.'s Trumpet Page Resources

The Archetypal Brass Band

 1 Eb Soprano cornet
       Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band

 1 Principal cornet
       Conceited - uses too much vibrato

 1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper" (cornet)
       Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal

 1 "Third man down" (cornet)
       Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse

 1 "Fourth man down" (cornet)
       Like third man down, only louder and thicker

 1 Repiano cornet
       Waiting for a chance to play principal

 2 2nd cornets
       Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C

 2 3rd cornets
       Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G

 1 Flugelhorn
       Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn

 1 Solo horn
       Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player

 2 Tenor horns
       Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead

 1 1st Baritone
       Useless player, out of tune all the time

 1 2nd Baritone
       Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried

 2 Euphoniums
       Show-off and trainee show-off

 1 1st trombone
       Steam driven. Rasps most of the time

 1 2nd trombone
       Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo

 1 Bass trombone
       Chainsaw with vibrato

 2 Eb basses
       Look like two drunken farts

 2 Bb basses
       Sound like two drunken farts

       Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm

       So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good