Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 13:51:36 +0000
From: "Ian McKechnie" <>
Subject: Re: British Brass Band

Jeff Hornick gave a schedule of instrumentation.  Almost correct with regard to numbers (Bob Burne replied to that) but it was lacking in respect of qualitative analyis.  So, for the record :

1 Eb Soprano cornet (too loud, usually out of tune.  Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.)
1 Principal cornet (conceited : uses too much vibrato)
1 "second man down" or "bumper upper". (either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.)
1 "third man down" (loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse)
1 "fourth man down" (like 3rd man down, only louder and thicker)
1 repiano cornet (waiting for a chance to play principal)
2 2nd cornets (hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C)
2 3rd conets (loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G)
1 Flugelhorn (plays flat.  Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn)
1 Solo horn (usually a girly - irrespective of whether a male or female player)
2 tenor horns (can play a unison note in tune if one of them is dead)
1st Baritone (useless player, out of tune all the time)
2nd baritone (even worse player.  Only there to show what the 1st baritone could do if he tried)
2 Euphoniums (show-off and trainee showoff)
1 1st trombone (steam driven.   Rasps most of the time)
1 2nd trombone (sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo)
1 Bass trombone (chainsaw with virato.)
2 Eb basses (look like two drunken farts)
2 Bb basses (sound like two drunken farts)
Percussion.(Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible.  Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.)

Conductor (Has a stick.  So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sound good.)

Ian McKechnie